How to Deal with People

How to Deal with PeoplePauldeman wrote me an email asking the following, “I want to improve my People Dealing ability. Teach me how to deal with people. I specifically struggle dealing with criticism. I work in retail and want to know:

  • How to handle customer complaints
  • Improve dealing with people
  • Improve my handling of customers
  • Dealing with conflict

Handling Criticism

Well Paul De’ Man, I have an answer for you. In this article I’ll focus on Dealing with Criticism. In the next, I’ll cover How to Handle Customer Complaints.

You should read my article on How to Motivate yourself, to learn some technical terms that I will use in this article.

The reason people have a hard time stopping criticism is because it is hard to stop people from criticizing you. But, it is easy to train your mind to be unaffected by criticism.

The following psychoanalysis technique will:

  • Teach you to see criticism as simple feedback
  • Eliminate any negative emotions you feel when you are criticized

Before you try this technique, read my motivational article. You need to know how to visualize and see yourself in a dissociated state before you can continue.

What is Anchoring?

I’ve never talked about anchoring in the past, so I’ll go over it now. Did you know that a large percentage of church going people stop going to church after the death of a loved one? Researcher’s believe it has little to do with blaming God for the loved ones death and it instead has a lot to do with Anchoring.

Anchoring is when you associate a certain memory, feeling or behavior to some form of stimulus. Like Pavlov associated a bell ringing to a dog’s salivating.

Researcher’s found that after a traumatic death, many people associate those feeling’s with the church. Hence, every time they go back to church (the Anchor), they are overwhelmed by their loved ones death again and again. They normally stop going all together.

Anchor’s can be extremely debilitating. Let’s say this person is hugged repetitively during the funeral. They may then trigger the feelings associated with the loved ones death with hugs. If people repeat the phrase, “I’m sorry”, that can also become a trigger.

It’s believed that 90% of all psychological problem’s can be associated with negative anchor’s.

I’ve talked about how negative emotion’s are anchored. Now you’ll learn how to trigger positive ones.

Create & Anchor a Resourceful State

If you can visualize a moment when you most intensely felt any positive feeling, you can Anchor it and have it at your disposal. Here is the process:

  • Visualize a moment in which you felt completely in control and at your best.
  • See what you saw then, with as much intensity as you can.
  • Hear what you heard and feel the textures, or wind around you.
  • Once you are completely there touch yourself in a unique place. (Ear lobe, Back of the knee, etc.)
  • You can visualize other states to this same anchor point. This will make the anchor that much more powerful.
  • When you apply the anchor, it should be briefly and is best done by another person.

Dealing with Criticism

Now that you have your Resourceful Anchor, it will be easy to handle criticism constructively. While you follow the following steps, if you start to feel negative in anyway, touch your Resourceful Anchor. Now follow these step’s:

  • Visualize yourself in the distance being criticized. It’s important to see your own body (dissociative state).
  • Imagine the series of steps leading up to that point of being criticized. See yourself experiencing that time out in the distance.
  • As the criticism begins, notice how you in the scene change.
  • Now see another version of yourself, watch the version of you being criticized.
  • You are now twice removed from the criticism. (If you have trouble with this, imagine seeing yourself see the word’s of the criticizer)
  • Now have the version of yourself being criticized, ask the criticizer to explain why they are criticizing you.
  • Make the criticizer elaborate on all of their criticisms.
  • Now decide what criticisms you agree with and those that you do not.
  • Tell the criticizer what you agree on and what you disagree on.
  • Now imagine what you will say, without getting emotional, as your future self.
  • Imagine yourself in the future, answering your criticizer, while completely cool and collected.
  • Understand that they are providing feedback on what they feel, but you are not effected.

Understand all criticism’s are just feedback or an opinion. If I tell you, “It is my opinion that the sky is green”, why should you lash out? Just think that’s information I can’t use and forget it. If I was to say, “You are rude”, you now know to ask why calmly, or to just disregard this feedback.

That’s All Folk’s

I hope that helps Paul, or who ever reads this? If you have a comment or question leave it below in the comment section.

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